marylsommers: Dear Jeremy

Problems at work? Need advice? Our agony uncle ? and readers ? have the answers

I took an employee under my wing but now we're at odds

Several years ago we hired an employee. I thought we worked well together and we became friends. Over the course of five years I loaned him a large sum of money, he lived with us, and I arranged for him to take a two-year sabbatical while he finished his professional qualifications. He is 10 years younger than me and I viewed him like a younger brother. I have always made it clear that if he needed anything he should ask me and, if I could, I would help him out.

I admit I have done several things that, in hindsight, were poorly judged. I tried to take a step back, but at that point he had another major personal issue and I stepped forward again. The issue affected his mental state and his work suffered badly. I was out of my depth and becoming depressed about my inability to help him. We knew he was tight for money after being a student and gave him a large pay rise and a long holiday. However, when he returned he was still clearly depressed, very distant and, on several occasions, snide and insulting. I then found out he had also started to do work for a former employee of mine.

When we discuss any of this it brings out new grudges, including him telling me that he never liked me and only went along with all this because I was his boss. I feel deceived and increasingly angry. However, the more antagonistic things become between us, the better focused he is at his work. My business partners have offered to mediate, but given the personal nature of this I am reluctant to take them up. Can you offer any advice?

Jeremy says

There are times, and I'm pretty sure this is one of them, when personal relationships can get so complicated and so sensitive that almost any direct attempt to sort things out runs the risk of doing more harm than good.

It's obvious that, for several years now, your relationship with this employee has been unconventional. And from what you imply, he seems to be prone to occasional states of mental instability. As you must be acutely aware, this is a potentially dangerous combination. Your admission that you've "done several things that, in hindsight, were poorly judged" only adds to my sense of apprehension.

For both your sakes, you need to make another, and this time more successful, attempt to step back. You're resisting the offer of your business partners to mediate on the grounds that the problem is a personal one; yet that's exactly the reason you need to create some distance between the two of you. You should accept their offer gratefully. And if your mercurial employee reacts as he has before, either with antagonism or a relapse into depression, you must steel yourself to continue to stay out of it. There must be at least a suspicion that he uses these mood swings, at some level of consciousness, to increase the hold he surely has over you. It's essential that you play no direct part in any discussions about his future, which must certainly be held. It will be extremely difficult for you ? and you may well have to face many more hurtful accusations ? but you absolutely must maintain that distance.

One final but very important point. There's more than a chance that you and your partners will be dealing with a person whose real need is professional medical counsel. Your company must have access to a doctor. Your partners should seek his advice and urge this employee to see him.

Readers say

? You have been too good to this employee. So much so that you have totally destroyed the boundary that should exist between employer and employee. This has become a case of familiarity breeding contempt because the employee is now being disrespectful by his snide comments and also disloyal in working for a former employee of yours. You don't say the nature of work involved, but working for someone else could be grounds for dismissal.

This has already become messy and it will get worse if you don't take steps to resolve it. My advice would be, however painful and embarrassing, to take up the offer from your business partners and let them mediate in the matter. HappyValley

? Trying to be his brother and his boss at the same time is confusing and highly unprofessional. Frankly, I'm not surprised he's angry with you. It's time to decide exactly what standards of behaviour you expect of your employees and what is unacceptable. Let this guy know about these standards and when he crosses the mark, deal with it in an appropriate way. annabelsmiles

? Your own behaviour is part of the problem but as the more senior partym you should now draw a line. No doubt your intentions were well meaning, though you did step well over any professional boundaries and got personal. ExBrightonBelle

? You must extricate yourself from this situation as soon as possible. Delaying matters to salvage some dignity is not an option any more, as he has clearly lost respect for you ? if you don't do something others will lose respect as well. Grodge

I feel frozen out of management meetings in my new job

I recently started a new role, having spent the past few years as a successful self-employed consultant. A key part of this role is membership of the management team, confirmed to me in writing prior to my joining.

However, for the eight weeks since joining I have not been invited into any weekly management meetings, despite reminding the MD (it is always "come in next week"). I have also had no participation in our merger with a sister company, something which will certainly affect me, my team and my part of the business.

Throughout, my boss has told me he wants me as part of the management team, that I will be participating in planning the merger and that I would lead part of the merged business. However, nothing has happened.

What should I do? Every time I raise the issue I get more promises but no action. It does feel as if I've been recruited under false pretences.

Jeremy says

From your letter, it's not entirely clear to me whether your boss and your MD are the same person. If they are, it's certainly extremely odd; if they're not, then, for whatever reason, the MD is keen to keep your boss's candidate (you) out of these management meetings. The chances are the MD has become accustomed to a familiar ? and perhaps amenable ? group of colleagues and simply doesn't want it disturbed by an outsider. If so, the longer you're excluded, the more awkward it will become. You need to precipitate change quickly.

Since your contract specifies that you will, on joining, be a member of the management group, you have every right to know what's on the agenda of forthcoming meetings. As soon as an item crops up that has direct relevance to your own team and your part of the business, simply make it clear that you plan to join that meeting so that you can make the contribution for which you were employed. It's almost inconceivable that you'll be instructed not to attend ? if you are, then it's clearly time for a huge showdown ? and once you've broken the ice and attended that first meeting, it should become an understood formality.

As I bet you realise, if this impasse isn't resolved quickly, you'll soon acquire the reputation of being a bit of a pushover.

Readers say

? Stop expecting a gold-plated invitation. You are senior management now ? no one's going to hold your hand any more. When he says "come in next week", go in next week. Get the date, the time, the place of the meeting, and step into your role. That's what you're being paid for. It's up to you to conduct yourself like a senior manager before anyone in the company will start thinking of you as one. londonsupergirl

? Why are you waiting for an invitation? If it clearly states in your employment contract that you are a manager and are expected to attend management group meetings, then do so. It may be the case that other people, including your MD, are wondering where you are and assuming that you are shirking your responsibilities. "Come next week" means "be there"! Jazzactivist

? I doubt you've been misled. It's more likely that your boss wants you to familiarise yourself with the organisation, understand the politics and build a few relationships before allowing you to participate directly in the management process. Just take care that your persistence this soon into a new job doesn't give them second thoughts ... Watty145

? The only way to find out if there is anything more sinister at play is to turn up. It will certainly be held against you if you don't show any initiative in this matter. If you are specifically blocked from attending, then you have the right to a full explanation, but don't leave it until your probationary review to discuss this as it will be way too late by then.

You may find that this level of communication is just one reason why they're not a great company to work for, but at least any parting of the ways won't be because you didn't fulfil your obligations. Mohan

For Jeremy Bullmore's advice on a work issue, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@guardian.co.uk. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or reply personally.

Read next week's problems on the Money blog from Monday and post your advice ? we'll run the best of it alongside Jeremy's in next Saturday's column.

Jeremy Bullmore

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