Just how just is the British justice system? Two shows on TV at the moment offer some valuable insights into the criminal process
ITV1's quick-draw crime-busting series Law & Order: UK (9pm, Mon, ITV1), which returns for a fourth series this week, is undoubtedly a major hit with the public. Why, there are loyal viewers clamouring right now for another episode in which detective sergeant Ronnie Brooks (Bradley Walsh) stands over a corpse, chomping on a pulled pork baguette with apple sauce, boo-hooing about his divorce, while hunky Lee Adama from Battlestar Galactica (Jamie Bamber playing detective Matt Devlin) questions all the suspects in scenes lasting no more than 46 seconds, in dialogue reminiscent of the kids' board game Guess Who? "Do you own a hat? [Yes.] Do you wear glasses? [No.] I am arresting you, Humphrey, for this violent bludgeoning as you are the only person with a hat but no specs." Cue drum roll and cut to a five-minute ad break.
At this point, I tend to kick the TV stand and jump to Friends reruns on E4+1. Yes, I may well have seen the one where Joey wears all of Chandler's clothes and does lunges on at least 37 occasions since 1996 but, unlike Law & Order, the set-up still mildly stimulates my prefrontal cortex. Take this week's episode of Law & Order, featuring a Premier League footballer who's been murdered in the street. One of the first witnesses they meet discloses that the victim is a major gambler. Let's be frank, we could give the small child out of dance troupe Diversity ? the one whom they keep dropping on his head ? a magnifying glass and jotter and get him to crack this one by nightfall.
However, if you do persevere with Law & Order, stage two in enquiries is a run-in with detective inspector Natalie Chandler. Villains wilt at this threat. Natalie's questionings are conducted in the manner of a weary supply teacher nagging for GCSE coursework, yet yield amazing rewards with criminals who tend to confess to both the relevant crime and then to any other old crimes knocking about: eating Shergar the racehorse, stealing the Stone of Scone or pissing in the Blue Peter pond.
Once the "Law" side of the crime has been tied up (in under 22 minutes) we move to the "Order" section, where several oily sorts in wigs from the Crown Prosecution Service sidle up to each other in offices with views of the Thames and snipe, "You think you'll make this stick! But the judge has a bunion this week and is highly fractious. I'll have the last laugh this time." If Law & Order and Silk (9pm, Tue, BBC1) are to be believed, British justice is mainly powered by lawyers pursuing grudges against other lawyers who ate their Pot Noodle at university 25 years ago.
If I'm ever in dire trouble, I'll insist on being represented by Silk's Martha Costello (Maxine Peake). Martha has a work ethic I empathise with, bringing important files of evidence home from work, then kicking them under the sofa to skim-read on the tube on the way to court. "I think you'll find my client has no previous involvement with the world of drugs, your honour!" Martha will announce, as the prosecution politely point out that the client has spent most of her life flying long-haul from Colombia with a bellyful of cocaine-filled condoms. The winning feature about being represented by Martha Costello is the fact that she's followed about by her ridiculously aesthetically pleasing "pupil" Nick Slade (Tom Hughes). Nick shows up in imprisoned women's cells, a cacophony of cheekbones, sharp suits and cheeky Manc-ness to remind them how bloody long four sexless years locked up with Helga the arsonist in Holloway will really feel. Now that is rough justice.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2011/mar/05/grace-dent-tvod-law-and-order-uk-silks
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