Prefer to stay alive? Then here are the rookie doctors you might want to avoid
Ah, one of my favourite games today: doctors and nurses. First then, a new series of the thoroughly entertaining docusoap Junior Doctors: Your Life in Their Hands (BBC3). We've moved from the north-east to London, from Casualty-meets-Geordie-Shore to Casualty-meets- Made-in-Chelsea if you like (actually we are at Chelsea and Westminster hospital so that almost works). And more importantly we've got a new batch of young docs in, fresh meat.
So here's Andy who's 22 (Jesus, he's a child, he must have started becoming a doctor when he was still in nappies). Andy's first job is to fit a cannula into a Mr Straw in Trauma and Orthopaedics. Sharp scratch coming up, he sticks the needle into the back of Mr Straw's bony hand ... No, missed the vein, let's try the other hand. Oops, missed again.
After several failed attempts, Andy decides to give his patient a well-earned break from being a pin cushion guinea pig.
Laidback Amieth's first job is to stick his lubricated finger up an old man's bum, which he does with good humour and a smile. Not much seems to faze Amieth. Then he too needs to get a needle in, to pump adrenaline into a patient who's had a cardiac arrest and needs urgent resuscitation. The poor woman hasn't got any obvious veins in her hand, but Amieth finds one in her foot, and gets the needle in first time. Good job. I'm thinking if you need a jab in Chelsea and Westminster, ask for Amieth every time (and avoid Andy like MRSA). Amieth then helps out with the CPR ? come on, a bit faster Amieth, now's not the time to be laidback. Oh, the lady sadly dies, but that's hardly Amieth's fault. He can hold his head high.
Less so Aki, who is busy breaking all the rules of confidentiality and giving private patient information out over the phone to ... well, he doesn't really know who to, actually. If you're a tabloid journalist, and you ring Chelsea and Westminster hospital after a story, ask for Aki every time. Meanwhile posh Milla, who really wouldn't be out of place in Made in Chelsea, has to certify a death ? her first, and she doesn't know how to do it. There's no suggestion that the death was caused by one of Milla's junior doctor colleagues, but this day in August when they first join the wards is known as Black Wednesday. Death rates rise by around 6%.
So let's see how Andy's getting on with that cannula. Mr Straw's had his break, and Andy's back for (literally) another stab. "We'll get it in, first time, promise," he says with a new confidence. A new, unjustified confidence it turns out because he then breaks his promise, and breaks it again. And finally the patient loses patience and sends Andy away. Poor Mr Straw, punctured and bruised, he looks like someone out of Trainspotting.
To be fair to Andy, he does better later with someone else. They all improve; one day they'll help form the backbone of our health system. Possibly even Andy. But if you find yourself in hospital in the first week of August, ask for none of them. Probably best to stay away all together.
Also excellent, Confessions of a Nurse (More4) is less about what happens and more about who it happens to ? the people, rather than the procedures, which is probably a fair reflection of the difference between the professions. By people I mean the nurses, and the patients, and the relationship between the two. Like the night sister Sarah and Alice who is deteriorating fast and says she's tired of breathing and ready to go now. Sarah strokes her hand and talks to her in the middle of the night.
This is more intimate and sympathetic than Junior Doctors. Well, doctors are an easier target ? they're on their way to power and wealth. It's harder to have a pop at people on �14,000 a year (which is what Latoya, the healthcare assistant, gets).
In many ways being a nurse is a shit job. It's not just that the pay's shit, but you also have to take a lot of shit, from doctors sometimes, often from patients. As well as cleaning up their actual shit, of course. Look, this one horrid old man is flicking his all around the ward. And he's exposing himself. Oh yes, he's also a sex offender.
And yet Debbie and the other nurses have a laugh, and get on with it. And they say they love their work. Because it is an amazing job, and they ? Debbie, Latoya, Sarah ? are amazing people.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2012/jan/24/junior-doctors-tv-review
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