Inside the head of Carlos Tevez

Michael Moynihan

 I suppose I  could buy a million large steaks and eat them all, but that would mean eating one every three seconds, and then where would I find the time to sulk?
God it’s cold here on the side of the field. I know the board agreed to me having a little under-bum heater on this part of the bench, but where is it? It’d keep everything nice and toasty ‘til you go in.
Not that you have to, of course. That’s a gross infringement of your human rights, having to run around a field when you don’t want to. Must get the lawyer to have a look at my contract, see if the freedom to pursue doing naff-all on the sideline is printed anywhere near my gross income.
Beep.
Ah, a text. Nobody looking, let’s just have a look at the . . .
 Best strike of the season, mate.
Hilarious. You don’t run onto the field like a lunatic once, and everybody thinks they’re a comedian. Don’t give up the day job, sock-sucker.
Too bad nobody understands the challenges a bench-sitter faces.
The existential crises. The harrowing choices: do I pick my nose now or later?
Do I adjust my snood before or after half-time?
Do I laugh at Dzeko’s stupid joke or freeze him out with a withering glance?
Well, that’s a pretty easy one, come to think of it.
 Mmm, mm-mmm, mmm-mmm, mm-mm . . . is that The Odd Couple or the Beverly Hillbillies?
I wonder how much Roberto spends on his hair?
That tangled look suits him, he can get away with that studied riffling-the-hand-through-the-locks.
Anyone would think he knew what he was doing.
Erk, he’s looking over, better check the phone again.
Beep.
 Who’s this now?
What's the difference between a tramp and Tevez ? They both refuse to leave the bench, but one gets paid £150,000 a week
Cheeky pup.
Wonder if it’s worth having a wash after the game? I haven’t exactly worked up a sweat here, but still, better off going for the old shower-in-a-can, though; don’t like the pits to give off too much of a hum on the old plane home, first-class seating or not.
Now, I think I packed the Michel Germain séxûal pour homme Eau de Toilette underneath the spare jockstrap, but what about the talcum powder? Did I put that into my pyjama tops or not?
Frankly, the suspense is killing me. Could I sneak a bit of a peek here while Roberto argues the toss with the linesman . . .
Beep.
Who the . . .
Carlos Tevez to open own sandwich chain, SubNoWay
 Ho ho ho.
 If this bag would just . . . Disaster! Just the Cool Water by Davidoff! That won’t do.
 Forget playing. Forget changing. I’m staying right here.
 If I had the chairman’s number in here somewhere I could find out if they were serious about that under-bum heater . . .

Source: http://feeds.examiner.ie/~r/iesportsblog/~3/vDr9sL_cpZg/post.aspx

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