I smacked my lips at the idea of rare British beef, but then it failed the Tesco price test
Television scheduling is more art than science, easy though this is to forget when staring at a listings page that promises back-to- back police procedurals, followed by eight hours of Cowell excreta spread across the ITVs with only an occasional sighting of David Attenborough to stop the viewer crunching down on a cyanide capsule. But it must anticipate and reflect, as far as it can, events, the seasonal mood, changing attitudes, shifting tastes ? in short, as much as possible control the fickleness of the general public, whose only constant is its inconstancy. And then the economy goes to hell in a handcart and everyone is well and truly spragged. Set in a suddenly bleak and barren fiscal landscape, some programmes look less like an hour's semi-aspirational entertainment than an incitement to riot.
The timing of the second series of the Great British Food Revival (BBC2), for example, is not propitious. It's aimed at getting us all to eat more native grub ? meaning fresh peas, forced rhubarb and, in this episode, shellfish from our own bountiful coastline and beef from rare-breed cattle (the irony of course being that only by eating more rare-breed meat can we ensure that the breeds become more commercially viable and consequently less rare. Modern life sure is confusing). John Torode ? much quieter and better behaved when not playing Greg Wallace's wingman in MasterChef (evidently our teachers were right, it is better to split up the two naughty boys at the back) ? was in charge of converting us to decent meat.
To this end he travelled up and down the land, meeting (small) herds of Longhorns, Irish Moiled, White Parks, Gloucesters and pure-bred Aberdeen Angus, who all looked serene, trusting and absolutely delicious. But as Torode took us through the various recipes for T-bone steak, shin of beef with star anise and four-bone rib roast, you couldn't help but think of the expense of it all just in the normal Tesco-based way of things, let alone of hunting down a hunk of critically endangered beef flesh.
Valentine Warner fared better, extolling the virtues of native shellfish ? the majority of which are now exported to the French and Belgians, who have the palates and the patience to deal with the slippery little buggers. However, I hope times never get so hard that we have to ration Heavily Emphatic hand gestures, for the man will surely starve.
As for Kirstie's Handmade Britain (Channel 4) ... Well, suffice it to say that as she embarked on her 18th attempt to applique the hare on her entry for Best Cushion at the Great Yorkshire Show, my sister texted to say: "She's making me violent." I have big love for Big K, almost as great as my Beeny love, but misgivings stirred during the first episode of the series last week, when she baked goods for the Devon county show's afternoon tea competition. Since Allsop's last outing, you see, in 2010's Kirstie's Homemade Home, I have become used to seeing rank amateurs bake and decorate confections of such unspeakable loveliness ? sticky toffee puddings, cinnamon and banana cakes, iced biscuits I would sell my soul to touch, never mind eat ? that I am no longer prepared to deal with someone stressing about scones. I have seen the perfect profiterole tower. I cannot go back.
By the end of last night's episode there was no denying that she was skating perilously close to Marie Antoinette territory. "Let them eat bespoke butterfly cupcakes!"
Kirstie is lavish ? in dress, in form, in enthusiasm and exclamation marks. She got excited about water-soluble embroidery fabric ("I'm going to put it over here, because if just one TINY bit of spit comes out of my mouth it will DISAPPEAR!"), temporary adhesive spray ("I haven't seen this since SCHOOL!") and rotary-cutting patchwork pieces ("Blimey O'Riley!"). She belongs in a time of plenty. Under current conditions she sits in the national landscape like a second empire sofa in a student squat. Let her retire gracefully, temporarily, from the scene and wait for better times.
I was due to review the Channel 4 documentary on the late founder of Apple, Steve Jobs: iChanged the World, but although the Guardian could get it to play on their Macs, none of my three PCs would do likewise. Clearly, the company's commitment to vertical integration continues unabated. What can you do but simply bow to the master? Well posthumously played, sir. Well played.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2011/nov/02/great-british-food-revival-review
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